Thank you to Rebecca for sharing this post for partners of porn addicts as a reminder that your partners porn viewing is not your fault. Rebecca is the wife of RJ who attends a recovery group for his struggle with pornography. Read Rebecca and RJ’s story.
Do you ever get caught in the low self-esteem trap that can come from being the wife of a porn addict? You know the thinking: ‘if I was just prettier, sexier, fitter, thinner, younger, smarter, more ‘experimental’ he wouldn’t feel the need to look elsewhere”. If these are the types of things you are thinking, can I just say to you “STOP”. It is not your fault! It really isn’t. I think most wives, at some point, feel that they are in some way to blame for their husband’s addiction. However, it’s a lie, pure and simple. Unless you are the one clicking on the websites or handing him the magazines (and if you are, please, please stop!) then the person responsible is your husband. He is the only one who can be in control of his actions.
I think the knowledge that his addiction is not your fault is one of the most important things to grasp as the wife of a porn addict, as well as one of the most difficult to understand and believe. A porn addiction in your spouse feels so personal and feels like such a rejection of you sexually. God has designed sex to be between a man and wife, to be private and personal and so the sense of rejection when your spouse is viewing porn is normal and natural. But it is so easy to turn from feeling hurt, into feeling rejected, into feeling like if you could just change something about your body, then the whole problem would go away. However, it won’t. You could be super-model beautiful, and if your husband is a porn-addict, then it wouldn’t change the problem.
What needs to change is his addiction and his choices.
In those moments when your head is full of doubt about your worth and value, hold tight to the truths in God’s word. Remember that you are a child of God. His precious creation.
- You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14)
- You are made “in the image of God” (Genesis 1:27)
- You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. (Philippians 4:13)
Now, there may be ways in which you are helping or hindering your husband in overcoming this sin, and I definitely think that you can make choices to make it easier for your husband to overcome his addiction, but the first step is to know that you are not to blame. You are not ultimately responsible.
You are enough for your husband, just as you are.