A story from one of our site visitors…
This is a very graphic story, I’m not sharing the graphics for pride or sympathy that only glorifies satan and that’s the last thing I want. I have lived with this for 52 yrs and I want to see men in Aust and world wide set free and healed and others to understand that there are men in jails that perhaps would have had a different life if there was support and understanding. My history starts when I was 3. I was hyperactive ADD (today) I would rock myself to sleep, I was also on medication to calm me down. I now had associated my rocking backwards and forwards on the ground with comfort and rest. Even before I was a teenager I had an interest in the occult. My father had some photos that I found and I would place them on the ground and go through my ritual of rocking backwards and forwards until I was satisfied. The reason I say satisfied is because as yet I wasn’t releasing fluid. The first time I did I wondered what was going on this was before I was a teenager.
If I was feeling lonely or depressed or anxious I would go into my routine. In my early teens I fantasised about being with older women, which happened. I was seduced and sodomised but instead of feeling angry I enjoyed it. I was on a high so through my teen years with depression, loneliness and anxiety I would turn to what comforted me, my escape from reality.
I was born again when I was 20 having been in church most of my life. Still struggling with what I now realise was an addiction even at this early stage of my life and later on I thought I simply had a high sex drive. I was starting to realise as a Christian this was wrong. I felt a hypocrite, guilty, ashamed, disgusted with myself but I couldn’t stop and what was worse was I needed deeper sexual release more often to get my high.
At 24 I eventually got married, I thought great now I can be with my wife, don’t kid yourself I could be with my wife and still masturbate. Eventually we had 2 children, a boy and a girl, still battling this disease still fighting loneliness, depression and anxiety. Our son and daughter grew up to early teens, then the unthinkable, my addiction was out of control my fantasy world was my reality. I became a peeping tom, had an affair and eventually touched my daughter on her breast while I thought she was asleep. That was it I was never going to act out again. Was that my wake up call? I had to leave home, go to court but I didn’t have to go to jail, this was late 1999. I then met another woman on Intro line for phone sex but instead we just talked and eventually met, started a relationship which consisted of sex parties and pornography and unbeknown to her, trips to the library. 2002 a knock at the door, it was the police I had to go for questioning about my actions at the library – staring up women’s and girls skirts. Through this my partner and I went for counselling, that was my beginning of my healing. Through the counsellor I found out that when I was in my teens and older I should have been on antidepressants. He also pointed out to me that my depression and anxiety triggered the addiction. After my first wife asked for a divorce and the relationship between my partner and I grew, she came to the Lord. I recommitted my life and we married.
As time went on fast track to 2010, my healing had come a long way and I wanted to help other men caught up in this addiction but no one would talk, who could I turn to? Hi my name is so & so and by the way I am a sex addict, so I gave it up to the Lord. Here it is 2012, I found a book at Koorong called Surfing for GOD by John Cusick. Highly recommend it, this was in August, then on ACC I saw an ad, went to the website and found there are men out there who are coming out, especially in the church. I am so relieved to be able to share my history and I hope and pray that through my story that men will be changed and healed and turn to GOD for it is in him that the real healing occurs, the healing of our sinful lives being transferred into grace and sinless lives.
PS Things are going well. I still bust from time to time but a on scale of 1 – 10 I would be living on 8 and through all of this last stage of my journey my wife has been loving, caring and understanding